5 hours in the library last night...i would have stayed longer if i didnt have to find a way to get home (i was by myself). freaked myself out waiting for the buses so i called my sister to keep me busy.

i have this major tendency to purposely torture myself....ever get like that? almost like it feels good..kinda like when you have a bruise and you keep pressing on it, even though it hurts, just to see if it STILL hurts. heh, weird.

here goes another all-nighter. i just wanna take the damn thing already.

emotions. destiny's child. i heard this song on my playlist today....aahhh, the memories ;)

can i just drive my car already?? im in need of a long drive to never never land.

drained

seriously...this is has been one of the most tiring weeks ever. ive been majorly sleep deprived. senate meetings were emotional...i think the whole room was speechless. all i can say is...wow, you are one STRONG woman. i admire that. thank you to everyone who supported PAHC and because of you guys,we recieved our funds, plus the grant money. what does this mean? our benefit concert is all paid for : ) and now we have extra money to possibly get reimbursed for all the money spent out of our own pockets?? hopefully.

thursday seems to be the weekly chill night with the roomies...hahaha. good times in the bathroom. just wait til next time ; >

last night was my first clubbing experience EVER! why? because at home im not allowed out after dark (im being sarcastic) and in berkeley we have no cars. it was for PAHC publicity purposes of course..hahaha. we DID hand out flyers for the concert. so yea...all i can say is that it's not me. guys trying to grab my hand and hold my waist from the back is not cool. they act like predators picking out which girls they would like to dance with, or rather would actually dance with them. sorry, but i dont like to be touched, and if you wanna dance with me, just ask mutherfcker! haha, sorry im a little harsh. maybe im just a prude who will end up old and alone?? oh well, at least i wont have some nasty guy touching me ;p

ochem midterm on tuesday....dont you think thats evil? right before thanksgiving the professor has to stress us out. thanks.

in need of a remedy

its been quite eventful the past days....emotional, frustrating, fun, and all of the above.

-funding for our annual benefit concert has been frustrating...i feel helpless in trying to help our impoverished people in the philippines. endless meetings, efforts, and struggles. things have been looking better though... :crossing fingers:

-filipino empowerment day...why did it seem it was more for the college students than for the high schoolers? berkeley, davis, santa cruz....it doesnt matter guys.

-ice skating with PAHC was the time of my life. who else makes the ice skating rink into a dance club while doing the electric slide in the middle of the ice? the filipinos of course.

-EMOTIONS, feelings, ANGER run uncontrollably wild this weekend. i cried like i never did before, i yelled like it was nobody's business, i ran away...to find what ive needed all along. to realize I was the one hurting myself by letting you get to me. you shut me out, something i never have, NOR would have done to you. would i take the email back? probably not, i had to say it, even if it was out of anger. i was sooo upset, so frustrated with myself, trapped in a world that was not me. what am i supposed to do? learn to deal with it...how? im still figuring it out, even 6 months later. trust...i think we lost that in each other a long time ago. can we ever gain it back? time...something we never let each other have completely. better late than never. ive got good, no, wonderful friends. thanks. hope you enjoyed the show :) who's next?

-re-prioritizing.

my heart's beating a million times a minute.

my hands feel like theyre shaking, but i look down and theyre not.

thoughts rule my mind.

i think its gone, but it always creeps up on me, right when i think im ok.

what is this??

make it go away. please.

blogging cause i can

-little darius is now 13...WOW. he's too old. i wanna shrink him back to a baby.

-dinner with the old roomie lora was good times...wonderful conversations and experiences shared again. thai house is always great. i thought it was just me "missing the...more than the"...but good to know she feels it too :) haha

-senior show was soo awesome. we're up next?? daaamn.....

-epiphany: every weekend everyone goes out and has fun partying and what not. I on the other hand, always seem to choose otherwise and stay home and study. why?? i have no idea. so today im gonna take a walk on the wild side and actually step out of this apartment on this wonderful weekend, afterall thats what weekends are for right?? im feeling outrageous....im actually gonna have FUN! - thats my aways from today. i really need to start letting loose and taking advantage of college life. but why is it that when i DO go out, i feel like school zoomed right passed me and left me in the dust trailing behind?? last time i REALLY went out and had fun was.....september for the PAA party?? LAME!!

rudeness

thats one of the things that gets to about people. how can people be so rude??

story #1: got to the bus stop around 9:15 on my way to the hospital hoping to catch the 9:22. i waited....and waited. soon this other lady comes and sits on the bench with me and we wait together. she asked for the time and i told her it was 9:40 and ive been waiting here since 9:15. we're both pretty upset and frantic because we're late to where ever we have to go. by 9:50 she suggests we walk up the block to check if there was a detour stop being that there was construction going on near our stop. we walked up the corner and right when we got there we see the bus coming and i run hella quick back to the stop knowing that bus drivers are fckn ruthless and will pass right by you. i make it in time, but the other lady i was with was still struggling. and right when i step on the bus the driver closes the door and i tell her, "hold on, another person was waiting too." then she yells hella loud, "well then move out the way and mind your own business!" i was in fckn shock. i went to my seat and felt like crying. i hate when people yell at me...especially when i did nothing wrong. aint my fault your a fckn hour late! i contemplated whether or not to call her a bitch when i got off the bus. but no, im not gonna be rude back. instead that was one less "thank you" she didnt get that day.

story #2: roel and i were walking back home through campus last night and passing by the bear's lair (on campus pub) he sees the laker game on. he was bout to walk in and check the score but this guy stopped him asking for id. roel asked if he could just check the score and was allowed inside. i wait outside and he says to me,"you definetely cant come in. youre a youngin," tryin to act like he was the shit or something. i was like, "what?! im 20 years old and im turning 21 next month." then he says, "well come back next month." OMG....what the fck dude? i say to him, "well i wasnt even trying to get in anyways." and walk away. okaaaaaaaaay?! was that even necessary??

errrrrrrrrrr.....what is wrong with people today??! get some common sense and manners puhh-lease!

Roenn turns one year old today..HAH...corny. i know ;p

one year six months ago-yellowcard.

vote or die

i voted in my first presidential election....John F. Kerry.

EDIT:
Bush won. this should be interesting?? maybe its because im in my "berkeley bubble" where pretty much everyone is anti-Bush, but i really did think Kerry was gonna win.