i need a breather....here goes my one VERY emotional week:

Monday: frustration...we had a black out from 10pm-3am. geeez....what a freakin inconvienence. i had a review session for ochem 7-9 so afterwards roel and i walked back to his place to pick up his stuff and around 9:45 the lights went out...i got freaked out and wanted to leave but then madel calls me and tells me there's a one at our apartment too. apparently it was just our side of the block...what the heck?! luckily the hallway lights outside worked...and you know its freakin berkeley when everyone is out in the hallway with their chairs and books to do homework. i had a freakin quiz the next day for stat that i could hardly study for cause it was waaaay too cold to be reading outside.

Tuesday: feelin good...i was able to study for my quiz during lecture and so i think i did pretty well on it....hopefully. the whole night was OCHEM. i pretty much knew everything and understood everything. stayed up studying once again...

Wednesday: devastated...the ochem midterm was going great til i got to the last questions. two of them i just could NOT get...i felt horrible. i really want to do well in ALL my classes but its soo hard for me at berkelely. the test ended around 9pm and i was soo out of it that i just walked home by myself. it was a long walk but i didnt care at the moment...i was pissed at myself. i wasnt even noticing the darkness. i just walked with my head down crying. when i got home i just ran to my bed and started crying. i dont even know how to explain how i was feeling. i was just TIRED....of everything. staying up night after night to study for midterm after midterm...even waking up early the next day to study even more....only to feel horrible in the end. I DONT GET IT. im just TIRED of it. then at 10 we went to the ash wednesday mass....didnt even say a word the whole time....ive gotten back into my DEPRESSION. out of nowhere i would just tear thinking about school....i tried to hide it cause i wasnt tryin to be drama...i just didnt wanna talk to anyone. after church i was soo frustrated and didnt even wanna do my lab that was due the next day...i couldn think anymore and just wanted to give up on school...seriously.

Thursday:....the next morning was no better. i was quiet and couldnt think about anything else. throughout the day i would tear whenever i thought of school. roel saw it but knew i didnt wanna talk about it. i could tell something was wrong with me but didnt want to deal with it. i kept myself busy doing laundry and whatever...didnt even wanna play volleyball that night. but of course i did....and im glad cause we won our first game! i was definetly feeling better.

Friday: fun...we had no lab so i was hella happy. but i still got up early to clean the apartment up cause it was getting dirty and there would be no other time to do it. so later we had an appointment to resign our lease...oh yea, mari is moving out so now we have to find a new roomate...im kinda scared about this...so anyways...we resign the lease and then decided to look at the new apartment complex across the street...and now we wanna move there. haha...its new, safe, BIGGER, and CHEAPER. but there's a bunch of dilemmas with it too....i dont know if its gonna happen. but it would be cool cause roel is looking at it too and him and the guys would be one floor below us. good stuff if things work out! i hope it does. then later that night roel and i took the bart to cheescake factory in SF for ians birthday...happy birthday to him! it was fun..spent soo much money on dinner though. crazy. afterwards everyone went there own ways but erik (who flew up from sdsu) and ian dropped us off at berkeley and chilled for a bit talking...i was hella tired.

Saturday: mock midterm at 9:30 am for physics sucked butt...roel and i had a pretty serious argument...but of course we worked it out...i love our relationship. we fight but its not yelling back and forth or cussing...we just talk it out.

dang that was long...but a couple more things....i gave up cussing for lent. something that i REALLY want to do but its soo hard. and also we made the lady next to us move out...MUAHAHAHHAHAH....hella obvious it was cause of us cause she moved like 2 doors down...all i say is GOOD FOR HER!!!

being home alone sucks...madel and sherlyn are at the PASS retreat, mari is in san leandro, and roel's in union city....or hayward if you will. haha. he wanted me to go home with him so i wouldnt be alone...his mom even planned to eat out and stuff...kinda felt bad. but yea...its just weird sleeping at my b/f's house...i cant explain it. i guess you could say my mom's teachings stuck to me. she said i shouldn't go to boys houses..and its improper for girls to do that. its kinda funny to hear that now and days...but i guess you could say that i agree with it. anyways...so here i am...been studying ALL freakin day for my ochem midterm on wednesday...its going pretty cool. physics is pissing me off though. being home alone is kinda scary...its the imagination that runs wild. i cant wait til my roomates come back tomorrow...it was really lonely in the apartment. ok...i should sleep now..more studying to do later today..............night ; >

this week was a tough one...i was tired every freakin day and i had mad homework. but thankfully my physics homework got moved to sunday instead of friday...thank God cause i was stressin. wednesday was tricia's bday shin dig...she had some good ass chicken and dip! makes me wanna barbeque too. haha...then on thursday, even though i really didnt think i could play...i did ; > volleyball is soo freakin fun! we definetly got a good team this year (not that last year wasn't good)...but yea, i think its cause we all have more experience. and even though we lost, it was a hella close competitive game. and thats what counts...we played our hardest.

okay...i just have to talk about william hung, im sure most of you guys have heard about him by now...if not, just go to www.williamhung.net. he's the asian guy who auditioned for american idol singing "she bangs" by ricky martin. he was just a regular guy who goes to berkeley with a civil engineering major. okaaaaaaaay.....so why is he sooo big now?! i dont get it. sure he had a great attitude about the whole audition, but im sure PLENTY of other people did too. FOX chooses who they want to show on these auditions, and personally i think the only reason they show those are for people to laugh and see how ridiculous some people can be. seriously...how many people did they show that could actually sing? per show...i think it was no more than 3. now that guy is all over the media....radio shows, ET, ellen, the today show...dateline?! he even performed at frat parties here at berkeley, and also the women's volleyball game half time show...with back up dancers!! and now he has some record deal worth $25,000. wtf?! its a freakin fad dude....i aint trying to hate...i just think is kinda sad. people are rooting him on...but is it cause they're laughing at him or because they really think he has talent and wanna see this guy sing? who knows....i just hope in the end he doesnt get hurt.

...and dude, midterms are approaching...is this guy even studying for them? cause fck....i know im gonna be a hermit!

good times....definetly

ROEL's BIRTHDAY was last thursday on the 12th...and ya know the fun started at midnight! so wednesday night while he was at the warrior game i baked him a brownie cake and when the clock hit 12, SURPRISE #1: we surprised him with the cake and our gifts. yaaay! im glad he liked his gifts, i got him the new bryant jersey and madel, sherlyn, and jelly chipped in to get him the Dark Angel dvd set. (that was very nice of them.) so then since he had a midterm on friday, we took thursday night off for homework and whatever. friday night was SURPRISE #2: he thought i was takin him out for dinner, but surprise surprise cause i invited everyone! madel hella helped me in rounding the berkeley folks together and i took care of his union city friends. im glad they got to come out and celebrate with roel, even his brother and sister came. there was like 20 of us all at blakes having fun playing with the sugar and what not. madel and sherlyn even bought him a big ass cake that they surprised him with too...how cute! his expression after he saw ALL his friends was priceless ; > man, that boy is loved! then afterwards we took his brother and sister and his friends to look at our apartments. they like our roof...of course ; > haha...fun stuff. then....SURPRISE #3: we told everyone to tell roel that they couldnt kick it after dinner...but yea right! everyone met up at jelly's house (thanks jelly!) for some good ol' fun! haha....i thought he'd figure people were there, but i guess not cause he was just as surprised. we all took shots...and fck....i was the only one drunk! ya gotta understand that im NOT a drinker. i hella felt it after the first one....so i wanted to keep the good vibes goin and took a second. then, freakin peer pressure! i took a third with just me and roel. all that in less than half an hour, i knew i had too much...so i threw up like 3 times while everyone was playing mafia and cards and whatever. bleh! and that is EXACTLY why i dont like to drink. but it was fun while it lasted. haha...soo much fun that night! thanks madel and sherlyn and jely for helpin out...and everyone else for coming out. im sure roel had the time of his life!

Valentines Day: not a big deal between us so we didnt have any set plans. we actually woke up at 1..haha. then spontaneously decided to go eat out at this sushi restaurant in Palo Alto (near stanford) that roel always talks about. so we took the bart to pick up his car (the worst bart ride of my life!) and he got all dressed up. Palo Alto is hella nice...and the restaurant was fun. good thing there was only like a 5 minute wait. sushi was soooo goood! we ordered like 46 pieces total and only finished half. well roel ate most of it, and saved the rest for later. then we drove around stanford to look at the campus. freakin private schools! after, we were gonna go watch 50 first dates with everyone else, but the drive home i started feeling dizzy again so we skipped it and just stayed home. we actually went to bed at 12 and knocked out...haha. honestly, yesterday was no different than any other day..he WASNT especially nice or sweet just cause it was v-day. roel treats me like a princess everyday. i know...im a brat. ; P all i got him was a card and he took me to dinner...all we needed was each other ; >

so thats it...hope everyone else had a good weekend

im sick. i hate my ochem gsi. and its always freakin cold.

this may sound odd, but i just wanna share it. so lately ive been noticing how bad my eyesight is. i always complain to myself that im going blind or what not. but its probably not even that bad...at least i can see right? so when i was walking back to my apartment the other day, there was this blind guy using his stick to guide himself. yea i saw him, but my dumbass ran past in front of him to catch the door to my building so i wouldnt have to use my key. when i looked back to say sorry, i see a scarred face with burns all over. afterwards i thought...damn, that was pretty rude of me. so i sat there waiting for the elevator feeling stupid and terrible. how selfish was that? so when the elevator finally came, i was looking down about to walk in, when i noticed another cane, and another blind guy who's face was just as scarred walked out of the elevator. what was going on? i felt even more stupid about my complaints about how bad my eyes are. i saw the incident as a reminder to myself....be thankful for who you are, what you have, and never take anything for granted...seriously...it's like that one saying, something about "i complained about the shoes i didnt have, until i met a man with no feet." i know thats probably wrong, but its something along those lines. it just makes you think, thats all.

nine months <3

i lost 5 bucks plus one dollar to roel...darn football! oh well, it was a good game. what was up with half time though? it was like going back in time hearing those songs. but justin's still hot ; >

friday our apartment was poppin..haha! got your poker, pyramid, family feud, and game cube goin on all at once. roel's high school friends came over as well as the berkeley folks. good times...and surprise surprise, we didnt get any complaints! or maybe she just gave up on us??

school is catching up with me. all of a sudden i feel behind even though i do all my homework...physics took forever and a day last night, seriously! my motivations are finally being able to declare a major and then graduating, cause fckn shit, im ready to live my life!